"Pif paf pof, my heart goes pif paf pof!"
Those were the TEAR-JERKING words of the Eurovision entry that never was from the Camp Cabin Crew of Air Scotia, aka "The High Life".
And yet how strangely SIMILAR was the dirgeful ditty that we really did enter this year.
Is it JUST POSSIBLE that singing "We're flying the flag all over the world" with a GREAT BIG Union Flag flapping behind you, at a time when we are still flying the flag all over that Middle Eastern country that we invaded, MAY have been taken the WRONG WAY?
Still we should take cheer from this year's winner; proof if you need it that you can still go from MOST REVILED NATION ON EARTH to EUROVISION SUCCESS!
There do, however, seem to have been a few complaints that there was some GEOGRAPHICAL bias to the way that nations cast their votes.
And now, I am sorry to say, numb nut Liberal Democrat MP Richard Down-with-the-Youngsters Ross is calling for the voting system to be changed.
Yes I know we're ALWAYS calling for the voting system to be changed, but HONESTLY it is normally to get more power INTO the hands of ordinary people, NOT to take it AWAY from them because they would rather vote for their neighbours than a frankly dreadful caterwaul from the far end of the continent!
But you know what: actually it's OK that the East Europeans all voted for each other.
They've only been doing this for a few years now; they do not yet understand that a "good" Eurovision Song is supposed to be a piece of colourful kitsch theatre; they have this QUAINT notion that it ought to be a GOOD SONG! Honestly, they even send their proper pop stars and everything! Give them a few years to settle down and they will soon realise that they are JUST NOT BEING TRASHY ENOUGH!
Personally, I thought that the FRENCH were the best, mainly because they were very PINK and ran around the stage like that bit from the Rocky Horror Show… this got me some VERY funny looks from my daddies. Which I think is a BIT RICH!
THEY wanted one of the Kate Bush-a-likes to win: SCARY EXPLODING WITCH Kate from Finland; ILLUMINATED OPERA Kate from Slovenia; TECHNO TRANCE Kate from Georgia; or BONKERS BONGO Kate from Bulgaria. And her drums.
Fortunately, we were able to resist the black-and-white HYPNO-SPIRAL of the Swedish Marc Bolan!
More seriously, ANYONE who thinks that it is important how the WINNER is decided has really missed the ENTIRE POINT. Complaining that we came LAST (nearly) is like complaining that silly old Labrador, Mr Alan Davies always comes last on Q.I. Or that Jimmy-Summerville lookie-likey Mr Hislop never wins at "Have I Got News for You".
Eurovision more than any other contest ever is about the taking part!
It is not like there are PRIZES! In fact, the winner is usually PUNISHED by having to HOST the following year's contest!
(Hence Ireland's entry this year being – almost LITERALLY – "My Lovely Horse"!)
Eurovision is about bringing people together, and BOY did this bring them together!
And isn't it better that people are singing songs to each other when only a decade ago they were trying to explode one another all the time?
So it's fine that Greece and Cyprus have an annual love-in; we should not mind that the Baltic states send an annual tribute to Russia; and it's really not a problem that the only way to get any votes from Scandinavia is to be a close neighbour of Father Christmas!
What other show FROM Europe and ABOUT Europe gets so many people IN Europe ACTUALLY watching?
And Malta gave us doozze pwon so we didn't come last anyway!